Are we still on for France?….oh and Happy Birthday!

My mom called me today to tell me happy birthday. She was having breakfast in the valley with my Aunt Janie. She wanted to know what my plans were… haha.. I didn’t have any, but to ease her mind, I told her I was having dinner with a friend, and taking a bass guitar lesson. She thought that was weird. I’m learning bass guitar! That is my gift to my broken heart.. which I must nurture because she’s very creative right now, and needs all the inspiration she can get to make pretty songs! I went to a group meditation a few weeks ago and someone in the talk after mentioned how we ARE gratitude. I love that. My whole purpose in this life is to be thankful, and grateful, even for a broken heart. Thats hard! I’m most grateful for my pain, because that is when I grow. Mom says my heart is not broken, it’s just tired and needs a break from loving so much.  She’s right. As soon as I hear her voice I want to cry. We’re just so far away from each other, and I get emotional sometimes because I need her. It’s selfish. Very.

I just found out a few days ago I will be traveling to France this summer to perform at a Country Music Festival and Rodeo. I decided to take Sprinkling water with me. She’s never been to France, and neither have I, and I can’t imagine taking anyone else. So of course she had to ask, “Are we still on for France?” Well yah! It’s only been like 3 days mom. Haha. She’s too cute. My mother and I were unable to see each other this Christmas. I was not in the best of spirits, due to my own self will. My mother told me, God has a plan for me. I think she’s right. I agreed. I turned 33 today. Sprinkling water said, “Damn I must be old!” Her or me? I was confused. She’s 68. I think. I stopped counting. I’m in denial of my mother aging. She’s just so colorful. Her spirit is so alive. It’s hard to think of her as an old lady. As for me, at 33, I have to say, I’ve never felt better. And to top it off, in 30 days, I’ll be 2 years sober. Fuck yes! My mother tells me for Christmas and her birthday, that my sobriety is all she wants as a gift. It’s all I want too. Funny to think that all the hard work I do to be a decent person, is a gift to my mother. But I guess I wouldn’t know. I dont have kids. Im still a kid. But my sobriety is a gift to me too. The present moment is a gift, and in this moment I am grateful for the love my mother gives me every day, and for the gifts sobriety brings me in every moment. I think Sprinkling water is very excited for me. After all, we are going to France! She’s so proud. We had a nice chat today.

It seems like no matter what the plan is for the day, weekend, summer or in my relationships, my mother is always there to support me. She just accepts it all, and usually has some sweet supportive comment to remind me that she’s listening to me. I didn’t cry when she called. Although I wanted to.( I saved the cry for my sister-in-law, Stephanie) I cried a lot today. Not because I’m old, but because I’m old enough to know that what  happens in my life, is of my own doing. I have to accept today for what it is. And all she wanted to do was hear me be happy. So I had to be that. Sometimes, the call is not about me, even when that is why she called. It was about her hearing me be ok. And, even though I acted like it was all good, my mom knows me all too well. She’ll call on Tuesday and double-check on me.

Green Eyed Birthday Girl

My father passed away over 10 years ago, and my mother never remarried, or dated anyone openly. She has friends, but she’s way too independent for anything serious. I wonder sometimes if she misses a man’s companionship? I guess she would never admit it. It’s interesting to see her be so happy all alone. I think that’s the secret to true happiness. My mother is so grand. I wanna be just like her.

VIDEO OF GRAMMA AND GRAMPA

So I found the video of my gramma rolling up the sleeves on my niece Cassie’s sweater, and to my surprise I also got my gramma on film kissing me  on the cheek (like I mentioned she did). I have to share this with the world. My mom, aka. Sprinkling Water, is in the video too.   She’s so proud all of us are there.

 

IN THE VIDEO:

Me, My Mom, Cassie ( my niece), Dylan ( my nephew), Aunt Paula, Gramma (RIP) & Grampa ( RIP)

Filmed by Me and Elijah ( my nephew)

Sprinkling Water’s Loss

My mom called me crying hysterically. All she could say is “She’s gone!” My mom’s gone!!!” “How am I gonna’ live without her!” She cried so hard. My mom does not cry. She’s a rock when bad things happen. She just steps up and helps out. She was helpless in that moment, and to hear her cry like that SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME! I mean, I write a blog about my mother.  She is the most important person in my life! I listened to her cry, and said I was sorry, but to be honest, I was scared. Who am I gonna’ call when she dies? I will admit I was very selfish in that moment. I love my mother to an extent that is almost unhealthy. I just have to stay in the moment. She’s alive and well today. I’m gonna be ok. Her tears broke my heart. I could hear the loneliness in her cry. I could hear the fear of not being okay in her screams. She was heart-broken. I can’t even imagine the pain.

I wasn’t able to go home for Thanksgiving this year, and this was the one year I should have made plans to do just that. Sprinkling water’s mom died. My gramma Raquela. The gramma my sister, Rachel, was named after. My mother lost her father this summer ( in the last blog), and now her mother this winter. This is terrible stuff for my loving mother to have to process. She was very close to my grandparents. When we lost my father, over 10 years ago, my mom strategically planned her move back to her hometown, just so she could be close to her parents, for the last years of their lives. She went as far as to buy a house 2 blocks away. I cant remember exactly when she moved back to her hometown, but I can tell you, the last years of my grandparent’s lives were plenty full of visits from my mother. There’s nothing my mother doesn’t do with her heart. She loved her parents dearly and spent as much time with them as she could. Every time I called her she was sitting with my grampa, or helping my gramma eat, or something of that nature

My Gramma Raquela was a strong woman. I know where my mom gets it from. I used to be scared of her. She was very opinionated, and firm. She had dementia in her last years, so I don’t remember being scared of her much, because she could not talk. I just have recent memories of her holding on to my hand very tightly, and sitting with me for long periods of time.  My Aunt Paula said she sometimes spoke to everyone in the middle of the night. I bet that was funny! The last time I saw Gramma Raquela, she said my name out loud. My mom and I were sitting outside on the front porch with her and out of no where she said “es Amanda!”   I think I was playing the guitar and she remembered that, so she knew who I was. It was amazing. I really do believe she was in there the whole time. She could still give you a kiss if you put your cheek to her face. That affection says a lot about her soul. It’s a sad way to exist, not being able to communicate. I’m sure she had lot’s more to say, she always did before!  She communicated things differently because she had no choice. She showed her love by her actions. It’s quite beautiful to watch the inside come out that way. I have video of her rolling up the sleeves on my niece Cassie’s sweater. I’ll see if I can find it… It was a beautiful moment. Cassie cried. She’s an emotional being to begin with. lol

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When I was little, my Gramma Raquela used to watch me. I needed to be watched closely. One time, I asked her to make me french fries and she didn’t do it fast enough, so I called her a bitch. I was three, and addicted to home-made french fries. My addictions run deep. I’m pretty sure I shot her a little bitty tiny three-year old middle finger too. My brother taught me stuff like that.(or so that’s what my sisters say) My aunt taped my fingers together, so when mom came to get me, I was crying holding up three little tiny taped together fingers. I’m sure they got a laugh out of that, and I’m also sure I got multiple spankings for that incident. That’s how it went around our house. You got a spanking just for getting one from someone else!  Boy does Sprinkling water have a heavy hand too. Ha!

My mother is doing fine. The funeral was Thursday. My gramma looked beautiful. I have a picture, but I think that would be weird to post it. Wouldn’t it?

My mom lives in her hometown with her sisters and old friends, so I’m confident she’ll be around people who love and care for her. I’m going home for Christmas again, so more funny Sprinkling Water quotes coming soon. I can’t wait.

Grampas & Win(d)shields, Spacebook and Myface!

Ahh the things she says! I just can’t get enough. And if I want to make someone laugh all I gotta’ do is call my friend Talib and tell him my mothers latest funny words, and let the laughing fest begin!  My mom should be a comedienne.

So, I’ve taken the summer off of blogging my friends, and I am truly sorry, it has been quite the summer.  Wow! For starters, my grandfather has passed. He was sick, but not as sick as he turned out to be. All of a sudden he was in the hospital and then we find out he is going to pass… so Hospice started coming to his house and that’s pretty much when you know the end is near…shots of morphine are usually a bad sign…it was swift and it sucked. My poor mother. She is so strong… never shedding a single tear. I was able to comfort her, as I know what it’s like to lose your father. You are never ready for such a great loss. Dads are so special. My father was the love of my life as hers was to her.

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So a month before all this went down my mom came to Austin to see me record my latest record…live! I needed her here in Austin cuz I was stressed and doing it all on my own…raising $, rehearsing, producing, organizing schedules, promoting, etc…list goes on and on…, but she was in a weird space… because my grampa was in the hospital. I felt bad. I needed her and she wanted to be with my grampa. Nonetheless, she showed up and it went well. Thank God she was there. After we recorded the CD, I had to mix and release it and leave for a tour to Utah and Wyoming. It all happened so fast..I was gone and then I get bad news. My grandfather passed while I was playing The Boulder Heritage Festival in Utah. So I was not going to be able to attend the funeral. I was so sad about this as I hoped to sing a song at his funeral. Things never go as we plan them do they?  So I did the only thing I could do in that moment….I wrote a song about him that night called “Rattlesnake Company” . My mothers father, Grampa Torrez, once gave me a rattlesnake tail for Christmas. He pulled it out of his shirt pocket and told me to put it in my guitar and that it was good luck. I put in inside my guitar for a bit, but it started falling apart so I decided it needed a special case and I would keep inside the special case, inside my guitar case …same thing… long as I had it in the case it was still good luck. The summer tour was stressfull. I had just fired a bass player and my guitar player and I weren’t on the best of terms… plus I was stressed from the production of the CD , going through a mini break up (it’s complicated) ..and just worn out in general… then to hear that my Grampa had passed…well it was just too much…and my best way of dealing with anything is through song. So there I was alone in my hotel room…writing. What a sad night. Miss you Grampa. RIP.

I get back from tour and mom and I have business to tend to. The usual..MY TRUCK. She gave me my beast of a vehicle and every year she sends me the registration sticker.  But this year she sent me a lovely letter with the sticker. She always tells me she loves me, and usually reminds me to do something… she cant help it. …she’s a worry wart. But all I ever notice is something she spells funny or says cute. …and sure enough! I read the letter and she says “I hope you know how to put the sticker on the WINshield.!” Ha! Adorable. I swear she makes my day over and over. That lady is fucking hilarious.

My niece Cassie and I are the keepers of cute things she says. We monitor her every word and make notes so we never forget how adorable she is. So its my little cousin Savannah’s wedding in Dallas, I could not go because I had a gig and was sick as hell… but Mom Cassie and Carolyn went and Cassie ALWAYS calls me like 17 times when she’s with mom and I’m not, to tell me all the cute things she says… and if you’ve ever met my mother, she is not shy…she has allot to say, and its usually funny….genuineley funny… Well Cassie said my mom was at breakfast and everyone was listening to my CD and my mother was having a brag session…lol… so my cousins go…”Tia we know! She posts it all on facebook so we keep up with her!  Her meaning me… and my Mom goes….”Oh yah! She puts everything on SPACEBOOK and MYFACE!”

Spacebook!?    MyFACE?!!!    Bahahahahahaha!!!!!!  That’s the best one yet. Awesome! She’s is the cutest old Mexican lady on this entire planet. I’m sure of it.

Gosh I wish I woulda’ been there! That woman could rename google without trying. She can’t help it.  She should work for a marketing company just renaming shit all day. Creating new websites for people to stumble upon in case they put the wrong letters in the search engine…..Growing up all my friend’s names changed once they met my mom. She could never quite get the name right or remember it exactly, but she always tried and something close but different always came out…everyone one of my friends had an alternate name made up by my mother. She’s just cute like that. The best part is when you correct her. She goes, “Whhhhaaaatever!”

So when Cassie called to tell me this story, she mentioned that she was the only one with a copy of my new CD. What? So I come to find out that my own mother does not have a copy of my new CD. Figures. I’ve been that busy? Ugh…. I feel terrible. Cassie had the only copy and that’s cuz she came to the CD release. …and I’ll have you know I made her buy it.. I’m ruthless.  She ended up giving it to my mom, and my mom gave it to my Tia Nena ( my dad’s little sister) Now I have to send two CDs…If any of you want a copy get it here. In the meantime I will mail one to my amazing mother and another one to my beautiful niece Cassie Jo. Jeez.

I have a brand new music blog for my band and shows, so check it out if you want.

MY BLOG:   http://amandacevallos.wordpress.com/  

MY CD FOR SALE ONLINE: http://vibedeck.com/amandajocevallos

Please leave a comment. They bring me so much joy. I had a family friend send me a message today and tell me story about how my mother helped him one time. It really made my day. If you look at the comments on the 1^st blog post, I think it’s there.  I swear this mother of mine is best thing that ever happened to me. I say this often, and I’ll say it again…I aspire to be a mom just like her. She has devoted her life to her children and family. Her love is unconditional. I am truly blessed. What a lady!   …a funny lady. J Spacebook! Ha!   I gotta’ get that site on Godaddy.

Ok, so I just checked all versions….

Spacebook. Com- not available

Myface.com- nope

Myspacebook.com- nope

Myfacespacebook.com- nope

Spacebookmyface.com – eh eh

But…

Spacebook.net IS AVAILABLE for  only a measly $4,188.00

Could be a good investment….. I would buy it if I had $ to blow….

Not only is my mom funny, she’s brilliant too.

Frances

I Love You Frances!

A 52 minute phone call with mom right as Saturday turned to Sunday….The best darn way to spend a Saturday evening! Why so long?…well, she had to tell me about her new washer & dryer, the prayer meeting she hosted at her house on Wednesday night, the cheap “Air Con” (aka. window unit ), she got form my aunt Paula, and how she spent the day eating cake and hangin’ out with her mom, my Gramma Torrez. I wished I was sitting in her kitchen eating tamales while she told me all about her week/day/life. I thought it would be fun to just take off to the Rio Grand Valley for a day right now..  and then I realized  I just moved into a new house, have an expensive iPhone 4 bill, and cant afford gas because gas prices right now are stupid, and my gas guzzler of a car is killing me financially. It would be nice to shoot over to Raymondville for the afternoon….gosh …if only I had a private jet. oh well.. I dont. I have an old beat up Mercury Mountaineer that gets terrible gas mileage, has hale damage on the hood, a bumper that’s falling off and being held together by a hanger and random wreckage all around the body of the vehicle. Ha! But…I am very grateful for that car. My mom gave me that car. That car drove me to Texas from Montana on my first Texas tour…it drove me back to Montana too ( well..after a new transmission was put in…lol), and it moved me to Austin when I finally came back to Texas for good. I love my car my mom gave me.

My mother has given me so much. So much I cant even keep track… and I dont keep track because she doesn’t keep track (if were talking $), but she gives me things I can’t measure or count. She gave me life. She had me when she was 35, 10 years after she was done having children. My siblings are 14, 13 and 10 years older than me…I was what I like to call an after thought. She took care of me until I could FINALLY take care of my self  (way too long after I should have been on my own). She’s never asked me for anything, except to be happy. She’s always trying to mail me a coat someone gave her, or send me some American Eagle sweater she found at a garage sale. She usually calls me if I havent called in a few days, just to make sure Im still sober…. I know that’s why…. haha… She never stops remembering who I really am. I love that about her! She makes me feel special every time we chat. She gives me strength just by being the person she is. I can take one look at what she’s created of a life and I am certain I will be ok in my old age. My mother is a role model for all women of her age and generation. She started her own business when my father was too drunk to go to work and couldn’t manage to come home on Fridays with a pay check. She used to watch kids at the house at first and get $ to pay bills and feed the family.  When I came around Dad wasn’t well enough to provide for the family anymore at all… well at least not in a legal way, so Mom started to work at a daycare center. That resulted in her running the place, and that turned into her buying the place. To give my father some credit, my mom told me the last thing he ever really paid for was the big daycare she owned for 10 years. It was a house on the same property as a daycare, so she was able to provide for the family, create jobs for everyone, and have me around in her work place. Dad gave her the $ to put down to rent it when we first moved in. I never saw him work in my entire lifetime. Not a real job. I was 9 when we moved in. I went from elementary all the way through high school living in the house on Blalock. Mom said she did it for me. She stayed there and worked her ass off day and night seven days a week, so I could have some stability. She said she did it because when my siblings were little , they moved around allot and it was hard for them to have to go to new schools all the time and leave all their friends behind. She said it effected their lives to be pulled in so many directions. So she didn’t want me to have to go through that. That’s the kind of stuff my mom did for me…. The stuff that’s hard to notice…hard to measure….Like never leaving my dad when she should have many times. (Boy do I love her for that one.) …Or staying at the house on Blalock and running a daycare so I could have a somewhat normal upbringing. I have friends today that I’ve had for 20 years…and the reason I can say that is because of what my mom did for me when I was little.

My mom is beautiful. I’m blessed by God to have her as my mother.

When I started this blog I wasn’t thinking about mothers day. I was thinking about how much I love my mom, and how important it is to me that I remind my self of how special she is to me as often as possible. Just so happens I have a mom blog and I can blog about her on Mother’s day. Bad ass! I would like to encourage you all to start a blog about your mom. This blog has brought me so much joy. I don’t have to try and remember everything she says and does anymore. I can just blog about it. And it makes me have to think about her for an hour at a time when i do it, and that’s easy to do. It’s effortless to do something special for her when I can…. so with that, go to  www.wordpress.com, and get started. BLOG ABOUT YOUR MOM!   Send me the link and lets mom blog together! ha! You know you want to!

At the end of the phone call last night when I was telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me, she took the time to tell me how much my sobriety means to her. She turned it around and thanked me for what I’ve done in the last 15 months. She basically, and without coming out and saying it, told me that me being sober makes her so happy she can’t even put it into words. She said that to me! So the gift I give to my self every day of not drinking and doing drugs is also a gift to my mother. Such a gift that she brought it up and made it clear to me last night that I give her that gift every day. My happiness and well being is ALL she needs to be a happy mom. I mean, I kinda’ knew that, but not like I do do now. She wants nothing, nothing tp hold, nothing to have nothing but that. Well dammit, I’m gonna give it to her, and to me. Today I am 1.22 years, 14.65 months, 446 days and 10, 702 hours sober. ( I have an app on my iPhone that says so..lol)  So I guess you could say my mom’s been better for that long. I’m not a mom (yet) so I don’t know what it feels like to have a child that’s so sad she’s dying, but when you come back from near death like I did, it really does feel good to be alive, and it feels even better to know that my mom is proud of me today. I love my adorable mom with all my heart strings and thank my lucky shooting stars every day she is mine.

Happy Birthday Sprinkling Water!

It’s my moms birthday today. I called her, and no answer….good thing I chatted her up yesterday and said Happy B-day. It’s not like we go a day without speaking. Ha! She’s probably partying somewhere in Mexico… or taking shots at the local bar( not really)…OR I bet she’s gambling. Who knows…that woman is so independent. Im sure she’s wearing some cute little flowery shirt, with matching capri pants and adorable sandals. You can bet she has lime green on or pink…. I love her little outfits.

It’s been quite the last few weeks. I moved into a new place, finally a place of my own. It’s this sweet solar powered cabin. ( or cabin is what Im calling it) I like that better than “studio.” Mom is so happy for me….and proud My mom and I chat allot about relationships, living alone, family, babies, love, finances, and God and my dad. She’s always there to listen for as long as I need to work something out. Sometimes all a person needs is for another person to listen… especially their mom. Ugh…here’s the part where I start to get into next year and lose the moment…. what will I do when I cant call her? I guess I can now and that’s all that matters. We’re coming up on 10 years since my father passed and I still havent excepted the fact that I can’t just call him up and hear his voice. I just live with it, but Im not happy about it…ever… I miss my father every day and the thought of losing my mother is just too much to bare. She is my everything!

My mom is 64 today. She’s so pretty and so sweet….The most giving person on the planet. I thought I’d make alist of why she’s the greatest. HAPPY B-DAY MOM!

1. SHE REMEMBERS EVERYTHING! (its mainly cause she’s worried, but I still think its sweet) Reminding us to change the oil in our cars. Sending me the insurance card for my truck. Calling me after a gig to see how it went. Asking me about a boy..
2. SHE’S SMART & PATIENT- There was a time when allot of us kids were fighting. No one was on speaking terms.. and all my mom did was stay out of it. I imagined how hard that was for her to deal with her children “hating’ each other….But now I know why and how she does what she does… She’s smart! She knows she cannot change us, so she lets us be who we are and figure it out on our own…gosh that takes patience..
3. SHE’S SELFLESS- All she cares about is that we are happy. She says our happiness brings her the most joy.
4. SHE’S GRACEFUL- When the sky is falling, she is calm and cool. I’ve never see someone with so much grace. She knows just how to handle most situations. When dad passed, she was the rock of the family. She held it all together while the rest f us fell apart. I will never forget that.

I love you mom! You are the most amazing woman I have ever met and will ever know. And although you dont read this blog because you dont have a computer and cant figure out how to use a mouse to get on the internet and enter this web address, I know you know how I feel about you. Thank you for being alive. I will wait for your call to today so I can tell you how amazing you are once again.

Gramma Heaven, Butt Light and Babies.

Dylan, Cassie & Elijah - Gramma's Babies

I had the pleasure of suddenly visiting my mother this week. My nephew, Dylan, was in town from Wyoming, so I had to drive to the valley and see him. It’s not too often he comes to Texas. Also, it’s been quite some time since all three grand children were together. I have three siblings and they each have one child… Cassie – 23( Carolyn’s daughter, the oldest), Dylan – 18, (Rachel’s son, 2nd) and Elijah – 11 ( My brother’s son, our baby). My kid- ( not pictured..don’t have one…YET!) It’s Spring Break this time a year and all the kids  could have been off with friends, but not these kids. They’re smart. Gramma is way cooler than any party any day of the week.We did allot in the 24 hours I was there, so here’s a re-cap…

1st hour- Mom heated up 3 dozen home made tamales while we all caught up. Add ketchup, salt and orange soda and we were all fired up! She started talking about my dad telling a story about how he sent her to the store to get him some beer way back when they were younger… He wanted “Butt light” she said.  Ha!!! ( BUTT Light!!!! ) She said when she got to the store she forgot what beer he wanted, so she just got whatever, but he drank it…all. The next day he saw the cans and was like…”This ain’t Butt Light!” Gosh she’s cute! It’s one adorable thing after another with her… We watched ‘Grown Ups’ and went to sleep. Funny flick! I slept with my mom. (best part of visiting her!)

Day 1- Visit her parents & then off to the Church in San Juan. – Our family needs prayer. Not just us, but a few people in the fam could use a little grace. So mom thought it would be swell to go to the Church in San Juan and pray. It was my first time. She talks about it allot, so I’m glad I got to finally visit a place she holds so dear to her heart. It sure was pretty there.  But first before we left town…. Gramma and Grampa were out of bed! That means we had to hurrry up and get ready so they could see us and we could see them. I guess they sleep allot…I filmed everything! It’s very important to my mother that the kids, including me, have a relationship with her parents. So our agenda for the day was to stop at her parent’s house on our way to San Juan. She’s very close to her mother and father & my gramma’s sick with dementia, so every moment’s precious. We hung out with them for a little while and then took off to San Juan.

Eli, Dylan & Cassie ...praying

Afternoon- The Church in San Juan

We took a tour of the outside, got some holy water for Grampa to drink when he’s sick and took some pictures in front of the beautiful door. My mom’s aunt works there so she went to say hi and we all met her. We all said a prayer and looked around more. I took lots of cool pictures with my Hipstamatic iPhone 4 app.

This was my candle. Pretty eh?

I thought this was pic worthy

Dylan, Nonny, Eli & Mom

That night- We had a BBQ at my grandparents house. I sang and ‘opening act’ set and my uncle Chuck and Cruz played the headlining show. It was an evening of fabulous fajitas, family bonding, and honky tonk music… Mexican style. My uncle Chuck always sings a Spanish verse in his country songs. I love it! Soooo cool! My uncle Cruz plays the accordion, bass, elec & acoustic guitar and fiddle. I like it when we jam. So does my Grampa. He always wants me to sing La bamba. I don’t know it. Guess I better learn it. I sang ‘Jose Guadalupe’. Everyone likes that one. I’d say it was a good time.

Gramma & Grampa

I had no idea I needed a break. But I needed a break. I just became one year sober and getting to that one year was like having a baby.  I’d never done it before and I thought it would ever happen to me. My mom is at peace these days. She can focus on helping her parents, my niece and nephews and my brother now…because I’m A-Ok. I guess you could could say im growing up.  I’m not too happy about it. But I guess the grand children could use a turn. After all, I haven’t been the baby for a long time. I only acted like one.  I’m always gonna be the real baby tho.  Watch this video!

The Way She Says “I love you”

I’ve been thinking allot lately about what my mom might say that’s not funny ( which isn’t much). I write this blog not only to remember how funny she is but also to remember how sweet and thoughtful she is too. So with that, I decided to talk about the way she says “I love you” , And there’s not a more appropriate day than today to have this be the topic of my blog. Every time I talk to her on the phone she says I love you when we hang up, and I say it back or vice versa. Just the other day I noticed how sweet she says it. Her voice goes up a little at the end of  ’you’. I feel like a little girl again when she says it that way. It takes me back to nights in bed when i was little,  saying prayers …”now I lay me down to sleep, Ipray the lord my soul to keep…It’s as if she were tucking me into bed and telling me one last time, that she loves me. Her ‘I love you’  is so sweet and precious in its tone. It’s almost as if she sings it to me when she says it. “lalalalalala I love you!” haha! She means it more than anything in the world and I can tell because she’s careful when she tells it to me. She takes her time to tell me and makes sure i can hear it clearly before we hang up. I cant even find words to describe how she says it because it’s so special! I guess the only person or persons who say those words to me these days are my family members and really close friends. I’m not in love with anyone, or shall I say  more honestly, no ones in love with me ( that I know of)  and I’m not used to those words being said to me anymore. I guess I notice it more than I might have in the past when I was in love. My friend posted a question on Facebook today asking if you could pick any other word to mean or describe love , then what would it be. All these people posted all these words, but none of them could ever amount to LOVE. Ever! A few people posted the words , God, Patience and Unconditional. I was thinking what if my mom said , “I God you!” or “I patience you” , or ” I unconditional you”? Hahaha! See what I mean?!  I don’t want to get into what love is or means to me because I have no idea. But I know what I think love is…. Love is a miracle. It means I’m lucky if I have it. That’s the best way to describe it as far as I’m concerned.

I do wanna say one thing about saying I love you and why it’s the topic of my blog. My father wasn’t the best dad, or the most present man in my life, but he did one thing every day and he did it well, He said “i love you”, and he told me I was beautiful. EVERY DAY!  That makes me love him no matter what! Instead of remembering all the bad things, I choose to remember those sweet words, and it makes it all ok. It helps me forgive him and have compassion for his disease. Not his disease of lung cancer, but for his disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. The fact that he said I love you and found it in him somewhere to say it to me every day, is amazing. The fact that I am grateful for that is priceless. I didn’t realize it then, but all those I love yous amounted to one big part of my heart filled with his love. I have to access that love sometimes to get through rough days. I have to access some sort of loving energy often to forgive when I am hurt or sad….and since I’m short on love these days, I have to store it up for when I might need it. I’m thinking of my father today. I’m thinking of him telling me I’m beautiful and that he loves me. I sure could use his sweet words right now. - My brother called me today. He told me he loved me like 5 times. It was sweet. It was special. It meant sooo much!

My mother says ‘I love you’ to me every time we talk.And every time she says she says in that sweet and special way.  It makes my day.

That's a picture of my mom when my dad met her. He bet his friend a 6 pack of beer she would go out with him if he asked her. She said 'No." He lied to his buddys.

Happy Valentines Day!

xoxo

Amanda Jo

“It’s Col(d)!”

It’s been really cold in Texas the last few weeks and Ofcourse my mom had to call and make sure I was staying warm. As soon as I answered the phone she said…”It’s Col!” my smile got really big as I held in my huge laugh. I’m sure she’s tired of me laughing at everything she says. But I can’t help it. She’s just too adorable. It has been quite cold the last few weeks. I don’t remember it being this cold last year. But then again, this time last year was a daze for me. This time last year I was getting sober. My mom’s been calling allot lately to stay connected and talk with me about how far we’ve come. I needed her help last Valentines day. She came to Austin and helped me get to a safe place. I wasn’t doing so well. All I remember is her holding me in her arms while i cried, and telling me it’s gonna be ok. I’m sure she said it in some adorable way. But I was too tired to notice how amazing and sweet she’s always been. When my mom holds me and says sweet things I feel better instantly. She gave me allot of strength that day last February. She gives me lots of strength every day. She called me today and told me they were selling land in her hometown for $2000 an acre. I wished I could tell her I would get it for her. I could tell in her voice she wanted a piece of that “cheap” land. I’m almost a year sober and all I can really pull of these days is paying rent on a room I live in, holding a day job and keeping gas in my car. My life is simple and I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be able to take better care of my sweet mother who took such good care of me. She’s 65 and she still works. It’s hard to think of that and not feel like saving her. Now i know how she felt last year when i was wanting for a life and she couldn’t give it to me. She wanted to save me. But i had to want it too, and I did. She will be fine. I know this because I am fine today. The best part of my life today is the compassion I feel for my mother. The love I have for her is intense. I hope she’s warm on this cold Texas night! I know she is cuz I just got off the phone with her. “it’s Col!” She’s hilarious!

Love,
Amanda Jo

“Hi Worl(d), I’m home!”

My mother grew up in The Rio Grande Valley. She’s the oldest of 11 children. My grandparents are Raquel Torres -87 and Francisco N. Torres- 90. Mom was raised in a town called Raymondville, south of The King Ranch. When you’re headed south on the highway, if you blink you’ll miss it. I didn’t visit her hometown until I was 10 years old. I remember she was mad at my dad one time and we ‘took off,’ for the weekend. She said ” Pack some stuff. I’m taking you to where I grew up. We’re going to my hometown.” I was about to meet ALL my cousins (ok well like 20 of them). I have around 50 cousins…if not more…. I have so many aunts and uncles and allot of them I hadn’t seen since i was a little girl. I didn’t really remember them or their kids. My mother has 7 sisters and 3 brothers.I hadn’t met them all yet because we moved around allot in my early years. Dad was pretty unstable and there was allot of focus on my brother Michael, who was in and out of jail.

I was born in Dallas, TX at Park Land hospital. Dad said it was the hospital they rushed a dead JFK to. Sad. We moved to WY for a few years when I was little and then transitioned in Dallas before we settled in Houston when I was 3 or 4. I was a dorky kid. I always had a book under my arm and some craft project going on. I hunted for worms and built tents in my back yard. I used to climb trees, build tree houses and beat up boys. I was a child model for the Neil Hamil Agency in Houston TX at 9 years old. By the time I was 14 I was represented by the Page Parks Modeling Agency and at 17 I had my own Latin-based music-video TV show on cable access called Mega Mix. By the time I was 20 I was represented by acting agency, Pastorini and Bosby and working regularly as an actor in Houston, TX. Growing up, my mom worked allot and I grew VERY attached to my sister Carolyn who helped me with all my dreams of being in the spotlight.  I used to baby talk to Carolyn until I was 9. It was kinda’ weird. I called her “Tena.” She is a big part of how I came to find the stage. The stage was my ‘get away plan.’ Home life was just too damn real. Dad was a tough act to follow.

When mom and I got to Raymondville, she took me to my Aunt Sylvia’s house. That’s when I met my cousin Diana. She was 11. We were instant best cousins. We looked like twins when we were little. She was a big influence on my transition from ‘dorky’ to ‘cool.’ I had no idea what Keds were, but I had to have a pair after that trip, and I never really cared about fashion….until Diana. She was a child beauty queen. She shaved her legs and won beauty pageants. She was a cheerleader too. She had big blue eyes and long dark hair. So pretty! I wanted to be just like her. Raymondville became a place for me to get away. I would spend summers with Diana and sometime even Christmas. My mother always wanted to go back there and buy a house one day so she could be close to her family and be with her parents.

When my father passed away my mother was finally on her own. She didn’t have to take care of him anymore. I was happy for her. It’s tough losing your husband and friend, but it’s also hard to care for a man with cancer. Dad smoked cigarettes for 50 years. He started at 12 and never fully quit. He died at 62. Mom lived with Carolyn for a while after his death,  and then in September of ‘o5  my mom came to live with me in my one bedroom basement apartment in Missoula, MT.

I was studying Dance at The University of Montana. . Living with me in my little one room shack was not fun for my mom. I was very busy and couldn’t spend much time with her. School was a full-time job. I had to manage 18 hours of classes and 20 hours of dance rehearsals, plus, I was recording my 1st album, Rainy Day… and I was in sobriety for the 1st time. She worked at The Double Tree Hotel cleaning rooms. That was the 1st time my mother ever worked for a company other than her own. She always owned her own business ….my entire life. She always owned a day care center. (A big daycare center) It was weird to see her working for the man. The first day she came home from work, I could not believe what I saw. She looked so tired! Her hair was all wet and sweaty and messed up. She was hunched over with exhaustion leaning into the steering wheel of her mini-van. She was 60 years old and training at a new job to clean rooms at a fuckin’ hotel in Montana all so I could study, record music and dance. I will never forget what she did for me. That was one of the best years of my life.   She moved back to Texas to care for her parents on October 17th, 2006. (The day after I released my 1st album.) We did it! That’s the kind of lady she is. She stayed with me until I accomplished something with her help. She lost 25 pounds cleaning rooms and eating a dancers diet. It was pretty cool.

After caring for her parents in her hometown for a little while, she ended up back in Houston where I grew up, but not for long. She told me she was dreaming of her own place in Raymondville, where she always longed to end up. My sister Rachel, who lives in WY with her son, Dylan, helped my mother buy a new house. She helped my mom’s dream come true. The house of her dreams was there waiting for her to put her special touch on it.  They found a beat-up foreclosure right down the street from the house she grew up in. It was definitely a “fixer-upper.” Rachel and Carolyn met mom in Raymondville and they all three got to work on the new place. I’ll let Rachel tell you more about that. I wasn’t there.

I spent Christmas 2010 in that place they fixed up that we all get to call home. It feels good to say, “I’m going home for Christmas.” What is home? Where is home? I grew up in Houston. But that’s not my home. She is home. That’s really what I’ve been looking for all this time. Just like my mother, I longed for a place to call home. I’m blessed to get to experience that with her. She made that happen so she could have a place for us to all be with her. It’s a humble home, but it’s mine. She made sure to have it so I could go home to it. That’s’ just fuckin’ beautiful …( dammit, I cry every time I write these) I always discover something about her I didn’t notice before when I write about what she has done for us (my siblings and I).

I filmed her when I got home on Wednesday night. She said the cutest thing at the end of the video. I said, ” Mom, say hi to the world!”, She goes…” Hi worl!.” She left out the d. I’m still laughing. If I want to smile all I have to do is remember her words. When you watch the video, notice how she thought the video camera was for taking pictures and how she has no idea what a blog is. It’s priceless! Also, PLEASE keep in mind, I’m not making fun of her. That’s just what Hispanic people do. We laugh at each other. She’s funny!

Hi worl! Ha!

Starring….

Amanda Cevallos

Aunt Sylvia

Uncle Gilbert & kids

& the ‘Star of the Show’ ….Frances Cevallos …aka. Mom